Pack Packity Pack Pack....Pack Pack.

I was just reading my last post and I don't think I mentioned that Papa Bear and I are MOVING. Did I mention that? *is too lazy to check*

So...yeah...we're moving into a house (a rented one). I think this is a great example of treasure mapping gone wild. I treasure mapped a house with wood siding and lots of windows with trees around it overlooking a lake. Check. Check. And Check. We don't have lake access, but there's a beach about 20 minutes' walk away. And there's lots of space. And, while we don't OWN it the landlords are great. I call it a success (as much as you can before living in a space). I have high hopes.

Anyway, we're getting with the packing right now. And as a complementary exercise I have been doing a decluttering e-course run by the amazing Goddess Leonie. It's been FANTASTIC. I've gotten rid of a ton of stuff and taken first steps to get rid of even more (the wedding dress I bought when I was engaged to Fiance #1? listed on kijiji, although I need to really focus on getting it sold -only one nibble so far). And as I'm packing the rest of the stuff up I'm starting to feel really good -there's less stuff than I thought there was. Of course, I won't feel like that when we're moving the boxes, but I never thought I would feel that AT ALL.

Anyway, this is my official break while Little Bear naps. Once he's up I'll be busy packing and packing and packing some more. We have a moving van rented for June 30/July 1, and then movers are coming on the 6th to pick up the big stuff. We overlapped rents so we have most of the month to clean (necessary with a 10.5 month old, I think).

I'm going for now, but stay tuned on the 1st or the 2nd for a Joy Rebel Day blog post (the first official Joy Rebel Day is July 1st and I have joined the Blog Party!)

Grand Plans and a cool realization!

Interesting fact: changing into something other than PJs or yoga pants has a stimulating effect on my levels of motivation and productivity.
Less-exciting but equally interesting fact: having a baby suddenly drop his first nap of the day makes productivity slightly more difficult. That being said, I seem to find a vast amount of time to spend on email, Facebook, LJ, and messageboards, so obviously there is time to be had even when he IS awake.

Yesterday I came to an important realization: I am tired of being a financial liability. It makes me feel itchy. So I am taking steps to change things. They may be small steps, but they are steps. And I will make one every day, even if it's just a five-minute thing like locating my "Six Steps to Getting the Job You Want" book (check) or reading up on how to submit a manuscript to publishers (check).

My purpose in writing on here right now is two-fold:

1. My realization re: clothing is kind of cool and I felt like sharing.

2. If I tell someone my plans then I will feel like I need to take some action.

OK, so...plans.
Here is my Grand Plan for Wild Success:
1. Put on clothes every morning. Obviously I mean clothes that I would actually go somewhere in. So at least jeans and a t-shirt.
2. Keep a record of planned micromovements. Micromovements are a SARK term, and they mean tasks which take a maximum of 5 minutes to do. Every journey starts with a single step, you know.
3. Commit to at least one micromovement daily. This is in addition to my 5-pages-a-week novel writing project which is coming along quite well, by the way.

And...that's it!

I know you're probably rolling your eyes and thinking "Sure, whatever, Mama," but look at it this way: Doing nothing guarantees failure. Doing something guarantees that something will get done. Logic! (Oh, and as a fun side note I actually wrote "doing someone" at the start of that second sentence. Papa Bear will be thrilled :-P)

Anywhoo, I have split pea soup on the boil, biscuits to make, and a job book to skim. Also, Little Bear is playing with a pen again.

Here's to wild success for all of us! Let's get dressed and DO something (or someone :-P)

Soulyearning

Little Bear is working on Hour 2 of his afternoon nap, and I'm feeling restless. It's that creative itch...the feeling that there is Something that I need to be doing...Something will make me feel fulfilled and blissed out, but I don't know what it is. Is it meditation? Yoga? Dance? Writing? Painting? Honestly, any of those would probably work. I tried working on the novel, but although I had a major idea fall into place during my walk today the actual words weren't flowing. *shrug*

I have a couple of ideas for dance class stuff that I really do need to write down. I'm at the stage where I get inspirational jolts here and there but I'm not in the space (mentally) where I feel I can work on it seriously, even though I feel like I *should*...if that makes any sense.

Speaking of being in the right space, Papa Bear and Little Bear and I are moving next month. To a house. We didn't buy it, so don't get all excited. Actually, DO get all excited...it's a GORGEOUS house with a view of a lake only 10 minutes from town with enough space that when I DO feel like I'm ready to go dance-wise I can appropriate a large room in the basement for dance-studio purposes (until then it will be Papa Bear's office). It's pretty much the perfect house for us. Also, it's walking distance from one of Little Bear's playgroup friends and the rent is only slightly higher than what we pay for this apartment. Aw yeah. We're planning to stay there until buying a house is in the cards for us -preferably when I have a flourishing home-based creatively/intellectually-inspiring job that pays at least 20K a year, preferably more. *looks meaningfully at the Universe*

Anyway, I'm trying to get into the "moving" headspace, but it's slow going. OK, it's No Going. All I want to do today is sit on the balcony with a Mike's Hard Pink Lemonade or two (we don't have any in the house. ARGH! Also, I have a baby who would make that endeavour less than relaxing). Very much looking forward to having a YARD as well as a balcony! It's gorgeous out today...about 19 degrees and sunny and not too windy. Perfect. In a perfect world summer temperatures would never go higher than 25 degrees (and even then only with wind).

In other news, the affirmations I posted the other day really did help me. I feel better, more optimistic, more trusting, and already more abundant. Good things have come our way, and more are coming too!

To recommit to this blog...and because I need this right now.

I embrace this moment and know it is a good one

I accept all the good in the Universe coming my way

I let go of the illusion of control

I embody peace, love and joy

I am skillful

I am playful

I am whole

I am rising to the challenges

I am constantly renewing my energy

I am reaching my goals

I have plenty of time to breathe and be calm.

I am a magnet for wonderful

I weave my dreams into existence

Everything is just as it should be

I am learning and growing and glowing with light

I give myself permission to be amazing

I am stepping lightly, continuing on my path.

I am radiant.

I am lovingly cradled in the arms of the universe.

I am open

I am ready

I am able

I am exactly where I need to be

I am perfect and whole in this moment

I am abundant in every way

I cherish myself and all others around me

I am dancing in possibility

I have the power to make dreams come true

I am a creator.

I am utterly and completely enough!

I am a magnet attracting all that I desire

I am on the verge of monumental things.

Why I'm seriously considering only having one child...

...hehe...that title sounds like this is going to be a rant about how horrible my baby is or something. Not so, I swear. And I'm not trying to slag people who currently have more than one baby either present, on the way, or in their future plans. But this has been on my mind a lot in the past week or two and I want to talk about it. No offense meant, honest.

Ever since I started imagining my family I always assumed I would have two kids. I would have a girl first and then a boy, just like my mom and dad did. Of course, fate threw a wrench in that plan when I my firstborn turned out to be a boy. Anyway, I rolled with the punches and everything's great.

...or it was on the surface anyway...

...the problem I've been having really ever since Little Bear was born (on and off) I've recently termed Hypothetical Second Child Syndrome. It goes something like this...when your kid is cranky/sick/not sleeping you start thinking "Oh God...what's this going to be like when #2 is doing this and I have to deal with this one too?" And when your kid is beaming at you and you can't possibly imagine life getting better you think "Oh God...#2 is going to be a nightmare child to make up for this amazing angel." And what happens if you're me -and I am- is that eventually this pattern becomes so ingrained in your psyche that one day (say 8 months into your firstborn's life) you suddenly realize that you've spent a good portion of his life worrying about his hypothetical siblings instead of enjoying HIM!

This doesn't sit well with me. I don't want to do this anymore . I don't want to feel (however inaccurately) that we're in some kind of limbo where we're waiting to be a complete family and it won't happen until I go through another 10 months of hell...I mean pregnancy. Again please note that I am expressing the bizarre and twisted inner workings of MY brain and not making comments about those of you who have/are growing/are planning #2 (you brave, brave souls).

My mom is definitely one of those "only children are cursed/spoiled/doomed" people, so only having one kid really never occurred to me. And I swear this isn't just because I see moms of several at playgroup (oy vey) or read about how freaking hard it is with a baby and a toddler on my messageboards (although that helps). And I know that I may change my mind...or fate may change it for me later on...it's not like I'm going to go out and get my tubes tied tomorrow or anything. But I have been thinking about it...and reading about it...and I am admitting right now that having an only child doesn't seem like such a bad racket.

I could run through all the myths about only children and present evidence that invalidates them...but I won't. That's not my point. I'm not out to prove that One Is Better and Two Or More Is Bad (because I don't believe any such thing). What I want to talk about is what the mere idea of having only one and that being OK has done for me...and why that's making me seriously consider stopping the reproductive presses right now.

Since I came to this realization (that I don't HAVE to have another) everything has felt...easier...lighter...less charged with future worry. When Xander has a bad night I still suffer, but I no longer go "oh God, how am I going to handle this when I'm pregnant/when we have #2?" When we have good days I feel like I'm appreciating him more than ever before. I don't think about how crappy the future is going to be and how much harder my life will be in a year or two. When I wake up and all three of us are tucked into bed I feel like we're a complete family instead of something incomplete like a wagon missing a wheel (I feel like a tricycle instead....tricycles are fun!). I look forward to family trips later on without dread. I think about a home without fighting siblings or rivalries (I know they say "siblings are built in friends"...but really? try being a girl and having a younger brother). It feels pretty great to me.

I'm still doing my research about this, and like I said, I'm keeping an open mind for the future. And if I got pregnant by accident tomorrow I wouldn't have an abortion or anything (I would probably cry a lot though). Maybe I'll be like my mom and in 3 years I'll go "OK, I want a baby." But right now? I'm good. We're good. I don't feel the need to do this again. I never thought I'd say that.

OK, I've said what's on my mind. I know it's a bit different from recent posts, but my brain is a deep and sometimes scary place...you never know what's lurking in its depths.

Carry on.

Joy Rebel Mission: create your own definition

This week's Joy Rebel Army assignment was to think/write about being a Joy Rebel and what it meant to us. I took most of the week to think about it because it's actually turned out to be a complex and deep-rooted thing for me. In the end this is what I came up with:

I’ve been mulling this over, and I think to me joy rebel-ness is a combination of a few different things in an equation that is constantly shifting. The components are:

Mindful/conscious living - choosing to see and feel joy in the every day, appreciating the “small” things, remembering to breathe

Self-care - being gentle with myself when I’m having a bad/low-energy day and instead of wallowing in it trying to do something to break the negative cycle...drop my to-do list, take a bath, get outside, have a hot chocolate at Starbucks, watch a happy movie, or listen/dance to fun music

Joyful Activities - This is where the creative expression really comes in - I’m a dancer by nature, so that's often the first thing I think of. Writing and taking pictures and doing crafty things (knitting, cross-stitch, painting, making collages, and I want to learn to sew this year). Doing yoga and walking outside. Cooking and trying/creating new recipes (I’m learning to bake bread this year...it’s very fun!). In summary, doing SOMETHING creative and/or active -remembering to explore life instead of just numbing out.

Spreading the Joy - Things like giving hugs, keeping in touch with people, remembering to kiss my husband good morning (you wouldn’t think that would be something I’d need to remember, but Xander and I get up before him), sending care packages, making cookies, commenting on friends’ blog posts...etc etc etc.

I think sometimes these categories overlap...like I might bake cookies because I’m feeling down, and then the joy spreads when Matthew gets to eat them too...or I do something creative like knit a scarf, but then I share the joy by mailing it to a friend who lives far away...that kind of thing.

And finally, I wanted to say that being part of this Army has really and truly helped me. I'm playing more, and I'm appreciating my life and my family more, and I'm not as prone to expanding negative moods (not that I don't HAVE them, but I'm finding it easier to stop obsessing about them and making them worse). So thank you!!!

I'm not saying that I'm happy and gleeful every day (because that would be a lie), but I really do feel like this process has helped me. Really, the whole SARK messageboard has helped -it got me away from the parenting sites and interacting with women who have more than one thing on their minds (no, I don't really mean that parents/parenting board people only have one thing on their minds, really, but it IS refreshing to be in a place where one out of 200 posts is about kids as opposed to vice versa and where any post about a kid is about how amazing/fun/unique they are and not about their various bodily fluids, sleeping habits, diets, etc)

Of cooking and navel gazing

This year seems to be the year of culinary experimentation for me. I don't mean that I'm throwing together my own recipes all the time (although I am -but I think that was last year's theme) -it's more that I'm setting out to learn how to make certain things or certain recipes...more of a striving for culinary expertise, if that makes sense.

The biggest and scariest example of this is bread. Bread is something that I've always wanted to make, but I was always scared to try. There's something intimidating and unpredictable about the kneading/rising process...it's not straight forward like other baking. I'm not good at trying new things, be they culinary or otherwise -I like to know how something will turn out before I start (and if I think it won't turn out well I Don't Try At All). This is why I think all of this kitchen experience is so good for me, and the bread was no exception -I went in with the mindset of "OK, this could be a total disaster...but if it is then I'll throw it out and I'll have learned what not to do for the next time I try it." This may sound straightforward to you, but for me it's a total revelation. Seriously, a revolution in thinking.

Anyway, it did NOT go perfectly -our apartment is curiously devoid of "warm spots" for rising bread, and the solution (of using the oven at the lowest setting and then turned off) that I came up with when I made pizza dough last month (also for the first time, I might add) wasn't possible because this recipe called for starting the baking in a cold oven. I ended up rising the bread for twice the recommended time just so it would get poofy enough, and then it got really brown in the oven before it was supposed to and I couldn't tell if it was done in the middle or not. But I went with it and, you know what? It wasn't half bad....in fact, one could argue that it was pretty darn good for a first try! And I did learn something...I learned that I should try a recipe that uses a preheated oven so that I can have a guaranteed effective warm spot! And now I can't wait to try it again.

So here, for the first time ever, is a loaf of bread that I baked myself (and the heel of the other one because it was so darn tasty that we demolished most of a loaf in one sitting). And yes, it was supposed to be smooth and round, not lumpy, but you know what? I'll get there someday!