On change and letting go...

My baby boy turned one on Monday. In many ways I feel like I also turned one.

Becoming a Mama is life-changing and earth-shattering. It deconstructs your identity and forces you to rebuild it piece by piece. The first year is hard and scary and sometimes you feel like you'll melt into Mamahood and cease to exist as a separate person. But eventually you realize that you're still there, fundamentally anyway. And then the fun begins.

I feel like I'm starting to pick up the pieces, to take parts of the Me-that-was and find ways to reincorporate them into my identity. And it's still hard, but it's also kind of fun because I feel like I can pick and choose...what parts serve me well enough to keep around? What do I want to make time for and what do I want to let go of? Who am I now exactly? Because you can't go through an experience like this and turn out exactly the same afterward (in fact there is NO SUCH THING as afterward...how's that for odd? Even if, god forbid, Little Bear died before me I would always always always be his mom).

It’s an interesting time. Friendships are shifting and changing along with my identity. Some old friends I’d lost touch with are back in my life...others have faded away entirely. I’ve realized that I’m OK with that. I’ve realized it’s OK to not force things, to let friendships ebb and flow in their own rhythm as we both evolve. The people we are now are not the people we were when we became friends...and that’s OK. Maybe someday we’ll become people who fit together again.

Anyway, that’s what’s on this one-year-old Mama’s mind. Going to go play with my almost-toddler now.