...hehe...that title sounds like this is going to be a rant about how horrible my baby is or something. Not so, I swear. And I'm not trying to slag people who currently have more than one baby either present, on the way, or in their future plans. But this has been on my mind a lot in the past week or two and I want to talk about it. No offense meant, honest.
Ever since I started imagining my family I always assumed I would have two kids. I would have a girl first and then a boy, just like my mom and dad did. Of course, fate threw a wrench in that plan when I my firstborn turned out to be a boy. Anyway, I rolled with the punches and everything's great.
...or it was on the surface anyway...
...the problem I've been having really ever since Little Bear was born (on and off) I've recently termed Hypothetical Second Child Syndrome. It goes something like this...when your kid is cranky/sick/not sleeping you start thinking "Oh God...what's this going to be like when #2 is doing this and I have to deal with this one too?" And when your kid is beaming at you and you can't possibly imagine life getting better you think "Oh God...#2 is going to be a nightmare child to make up for this amazing angel." And what happens if you're me -and I am- is that eventually this pattern becomes so ingrained in your psyche that one day (say 8 months into your firstborn's life) you suddenly realize that you've spent a good portion of his life worrying about his hypothetical siblings instead of enjoying HIM!
This doesn't sit well with me. I don't want to do this anymore . I don't want to feel (however inaccurately) that we're in some kind of limbo where we're waiting to be a complete family and it won't happen until I go through another 10 months of hell...I mean pregnancy. Again please note that I am expressing the bizarre and twisted inner workings of MY brain and not making comments about those of you who have/are growing/are planning #2 (you brave, brave souls).
My mom is definitely one of those "only children are cursed/spoiled/doomed" people, so only having one kid really never occurred to me. And I swear this isn't just because I see moms of several at playgroup (oy vey) or read about how freaking hard it is with a baby and a toddler on my messageboards (although that helps). And I know that I may change my mind...or fate may change it for me later on...it's not like I'm going to go out and get my tubes tied tomorrow or anything. But I have been thinking about it...and reading about it...and I am admitting right now that having an only child doesn't seem like such a bad racket.
I could run through all the myths about only children and present evidence that invalidates them...but I won't. That's not my point. I'm not out to prove that One Is Better and Two Or More Is Bad (because I don't believe any such thing). What I want to talk about is what the mere idea of having only one and that being OK has done for me...and why that's making me seriously consider stopping the reproductive presses right now.
Since I came to this realization (that I don't HAVE to have another) everything has felt...easier...lighter...less charged with future worry. When Xander has a bad night I still suffer, but I no longer go "oh God, how am I going to handle this when I'm pregnant/when we have #2?" When we have good days I feel like I'm appreciating him more than ever before. I don't think about how crappy the future is going to be and how much harder my life will be in a year or two. When I wake up and all three of us are tucked into bed I feel like we're a complete family instead of something incomplete like a wagon missing a wheel (I feel like a tricycle instead....tricycles are fun!). I look forward to family trips later on without dread. I think about a home without fighting siblings or rivalries (I know they say "siblings are built in friends"...but really? try being a girl and having a younger brother). It feels pretty great to me.
I'm still doing my research about this, and like I said, I'm keeping an open mind for the future. And if I got pregnant by accident tomorrow I wouldn't have an abortion or anything (I would probably cry a lot though). Maybe I'll be like my mom and in 3 years I'll go "OK, I want a baby." But right now? I'm good. We're good. I don't feel the need to do this again. I never thought I'd say that.
OK, I've said what's on my mind. I know it's a bit different from recent posts, but my brain is a deep and sometimes scary place...you never know what's lurking in its depths.
Carry on.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Joy Rebel Mission: create your own definition
This week's Joy Rebel Army assignment was to think/write about being a Joy Rebel and what it meant to us. I took most of the week to think about it because it's actually turned out to be a complex and deep-rooted thing for me. In the end this is what I came up with:
I’ve been mulling this over, and I think to me joy rebel-ness is a combination of a few different things in an equation that is constantly shifting. The components are:
Mindful/conscious living - choosing to see and feel joy in the every day, appreciating the “small” things, remembering to breathe
Self-care - being gentle with myself when I’m having a bad/low-energy day and instead of wallowing in it trying to do something to break the negative cycle...drop my to-do list, take a bath, get outside, have a hot chocolate at Starbucks, watch a happy movie, or listen/dance to fun music
Joyful Activities - This is where the creative expression really comes in - I’m a dancer by nature, so that's often the first thing I think of. Writing and taking pictures and doing crafty things (knitting, cross-stitch, painting, making collages, and I want to learn to sew this year). Doing yoga and walking outside. Cooking and trying/creating new recipes (I’m learning to bake bread this year...it’s very fun!). In summary, doing SOMETHING creative and/or active -remembering to explore life instead of just numbing out.
Spreading the Joy - Things like giving hugs, keeping in touch with people, remembering to kiss my husband good morning (you wouldn’t think that would be something I’d need to remember, but Xander and I get up before him), sending care packages, making cookies, commenting on friends’ blog posts...etc etc etc.
I think sometimes these categories overlap...like I might bake cookies because I’m feeling down, and then the joy spreads when Matthew gets to eat them too...or I do something creative like knit a scarf, but then I share the joy by mailing it to a friend who lives far away...that kind of thing.
And finally, I wanted to say that being part of this Army has really and truly helped me. I'm playing more, and I'm appreciating my life and my family more, and I'm not as prone to expanding negative moods (not that I don't HAVE them, but I'm finding it easier to stop obsessing about them and making them worse). So thank you!!!
I'm not saying that I'm happy and gleeful every day (because that would be a lie), but I really do feel like this process has helped me. Really, the whole SARK messageboard has helped -it got me away from the parenting sites and interacting with women who have more than one thing on their minds (no, I don't really mean that parents/parenting board people only have one thing on their minds, really, but it IS refreshing to be in a place where one out of 200 posts is about kids as opposed to vice versa and where any post about a kid is about how amazing/fun/unique they are and not about their various bodily fluids, sleeping habits, diets, etc)
I’ve been mulling this over, and I think to me joy rebel-ness is a combination of a few different things in an equation that is constantly shifting. The components are:
Mindful/conscious living - choosing to see and feel joy in the every day, appreciating the “small” things, remembering to breathe
Self-care - being gentle with myself when I’m having a bad/low-energy day and instead of wallowing in it trying to do something to break the negative cycle...drop my to-do list, take a bath, get outside, have a hot chocolate at Starbucks, watch a happy movie, or listen/dance to fun music
Joyful Activities - This is where the creative expression really comes in - I’m a dancer by nature, so that's often the first thing I think of. Writing and taking pictures and doing crafty things (knitting, cross-stitch, painting, making collages, and I want to learn to sew this year). Doing yoga and walking outside. Cooking and trying/creating new recipes (I’m learning to bake bread this year...it’s very fun!). In summary, doing SOMETHING creative and/or active -remembering to explore life instead of just numbing out.
Spreading the Joy - Things like giving hugs, keeping in touch with people, remembering to kiss my husband good morning (you wouldn’t think that would be something I’d need to remember, but Xander and I get up before him), sending care packages, making cookies, commenting on friends’ blog posts...etc etc etc.
I think sometimes these categories overlap...like I might bake cookies because I’m feeling down, and then the joy spreads when Matthew gets to eat them too...or I do something creative like knit a scarf, but then I share the joy by mailing it to a friend who lives far away...that kind of thing.
And finally, I wanted to say that being part of this Army has really and truly helped me. I'm playing more, and I'm appreciating my life and my family more, and I'm not as prone to expanding negative moods (not that I don't HAVE them, but I'm finding it easier to stop obsessing about them and making them worse). So thank you!!!
I'm not saying that I'm happy and gleeful every day (because that would be a lie), but I really do feel like this process has helped me. Really, the whole SARK messageboard has helped -it got me away from the parenting sites and interacting with women who have more than one thing on their minds (no, I don't really mean that parents/parenting board people only have one thing on their minds, really, but it IS refreshing to be in a place where one out of 200 posts is about kids as opposed to vice versa and where any post about a kid is about how amazing/fun/unique they are and not about their various bodily fluids, sleeping habits, diets, etc)
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Of cooking and navel gazing
This year seems to be the year of culinary experimentation for me. I don't mean that I'm throwing together my own recipes all the time (although I am -but I think that was last year's theme) -it's more that I'm setting out to learn how to make certain things or certain recipes...more of a striving for culinary expertise, if that makes sense.
The biggest and scariest example of this is bread. Bread is something that I've always wanted to make, but I was always scared to try. There's something intimidating and unpredictable about the kneading/rising process...it's not straight forward like other baking. I'm not good at trying new things, be they culinary or otherwise -I like to know how something will turn out before I start (and if I think it won't turn out well I Don't Try At All). This is why I think all of this kitchen experience is so good for me, and the bread was no exception -I went in with the mindset of "OK, this could be a total disaster...but if it is then I'll throw it out and I'll have learned what not to do for the next time I try it." This may sound straightforward to you, but for me it's a total revelation. Seriously, a revolution in thinking.
Anyway, it did NOT go perfectly -our apartment is curiously devoid of "warm spots" for rising bread, and the solution (of using the oven at the lowest setting and then turned off) that I came up with when I made pizza dough last month (also for the first time, I might add) wasn't possible because this recipe called for starting the baking in a cold oven. I ended up rising the bread for twice the recommended time just so it would get poofy enough, and then it got really brown in the oven before it was supposed to and I couldn't tell if it was done in the middle or not. But I went with it and, you know what? It wasn't half bad....in fact, one could argue that it was pretty darn good for a first try! And I did learn something...I learned that I should try a recipe that uses a preheated oven so that I can have a guaranteed effective warm spot! And now I can't wait to try it again.
So here, for the first time ever, is a loaf of bread that I baked myself (and the heel of the other one because it was so darn tasty that we demolished most of a loaf in one sitting). And yes, it was supposed to be smooth and round, not lumpy, but you know what? I'll get there someday!
The biggest and scariest example of this is bread. Bread is something that I've always wanted to make, but I was always scared to try. There's something intimidating and unpredictable about the kneading/rising process...it's not straight forward like other baking. I'm not good at trying new things, be they culinary or otherwise -I like to know how something will turn out before I start (and if I think it won't turn out well I Don't Try At All). This is why I think all of this kitchen experience is so good for me, and the bread was no exception -I went in with the mindset of "OK, this could be a total disaster...but if it is then I'll throw it out and I'll have learned what not to do for the next time I try it." This may sound straightforward to you, but for me it's a total revelation. Seriously, a revolution in thinking.
Anyway, it did NOT go perfectly -our apartment is curiously devoid of "warm spots" for rising bread, and the solution (of using the oven at the lowest setting and then turned off) that I came up with when I made pizza dough last month (also for the first time, I might add) wasn't possible because this recipe called for starting the baking in a cold oven. I ended up rising the bread for twice the recommended time just so it would get poofy enough, and then it got really brown in the oven before it was supposed to and I couldn't tell if it was done in the middle or not. But I went with it and, you know what? It wasn't half bad....in fact, one could argue that it was pretty darn good for a first try! And I did learn something...I learned that I should try a recipe that uses a preheated oven so that I can have a guaranteed effective warm spot! And now I can't wait to try it again.
So here, for the first time ever, is a loaf of bread that I baked myself (and the heel of the other one because it was so darn tasty that we demolished most of a loaf in one sitting). And yes, it was supposed to be smooth and round, not lumpy, but you know what? I'll get there someday!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Goddess Guidebook project!
So, last weekend Goddess Leonie, a fellow SARK-forum-member and the creator of Goddess Guidebook (dot) com posted an assignment on her site and on the forum. She invited us to revisit our intentions for this year, and to come up with one or two power words that really resonate with us/our intention. I thought it was a perfect follow-up to the treasure mapping I had been doing, so of course I jumped in!
I thought back to my treasure map, trying to find the perfect word. And it just jumped out at me...LOVE. All kinds of love...love for my baby, love for my husband, love for friends and family, love for myself, love for my body, love for my home, love of my job, new hobbies that involve sharing the love (baking, sewing, writing stories...all things you can share), love of LIFE -travel, inner and outer exploration...you get the idea.
The second part of the assignment was to create Something that embodied the energy of our year's intention. So I did...and here it is:
I'm planning another entry this weekend...about what the kitchen is teaching me about life...stay tuned!
I thought back to my treasure map, trying to find the perfect word. And it just jumped out at me...LOVE. All kinds of love...love for my baby, love for my husband, love for friends and family, love for myself, love for my body, love for my home, love of my job, new hobbies that involve sharing the love (baking, sewing, writing stories...all things you can share), love of LIFE -travel, inner and outer exploration...you get the idea.
The second part of the assignment was to create Something that embodied the energy of our year's intention. So I did...and here it is:
I'm planning another entry this weekend...about what the kitchen is teaching me about life...stay tuned!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Photo Safari
Today Little Bear and I went on a photo safari around our neighbourhood. Let me show you what we saw :-)
First we paused in the lobby for a photo:
And I took a detail shot of the beautiful wall-sized water feature:
Then we left our building behind:
Went through the parking lot:
And headed down the street. We passed lots of trees with buds!
And saw a beautiful weathered telephone pole (it makes me think of angels):
I love the way they painted all the power/phone/whatever substations...so pretty. I think this is my favourite:
The evergreen bushes by the bank were starting to bud:
And then we went down the road to the library. Our library is surrounded by half a moat! Here it is:
And here's the bridge you cross to get to it from the sidewalk:
I really like our library.
I've been avoiding it for the past 4 years because I owed over 40 bucks in late fees (yes, really!), but today was the day I decided to take care of it.
On our way out we saw this beautiful painting:
By this point Little Bear was long overdue for a nap, so I decided to take the long way home:
I paused to photograph this creeper:
And this sign that someone made and posted (so cool):
And by the time I rounded the corner....SUCCESS!
He slept all the way home. It was a great safari!
First we paused in the lobby for a photo:
And I took a detail shot of the beautiful wall-sized water feature:
Then we left our building behind:
Went through the parking lot:
And headed down the street. We passed lots of trees with buds!
And saw a beautiful weathered telephone pole (it makes me think of angels):
I love the way they painted all the power/phone/whatever substations...so pretty. I think this is my favourite:
The evergreen bushes by the bank were starting to bud:
And then we went down the road to the library. Our library is surrounded by half a moat! Here it is:
And here's the bridge you cross to get to it from the sidewalk:
I really like our library.
I've been avoiding it for the past 4 years because I owed over 40 bucks in late fees (yes, really!), but today was the day I decided to take care of it.
On our way out we saw this beautiful painting:
By this point Little Bear was long overdue for a nap, so I decided to take the long way home:
I paused to photograph this creeper:
And this sign that someone made and posted (so cool):
And by the time I rounded the corner....SUCCESS!
He slept all the way home. It was a great safari!
Treasure Mapping
Hello! I'm back!
So, this past Thursday-through-Sunday was the Aries new moon. For those of you who are not astrologically-minded, that's the first 3.5 days of the zodiacal new year. Aries is the first sign, and the new moon is a time of envisioning what you want to manifest during the coming year. Because Aries has to do with vision and sight, lots of people make a collage, or treasure map, so they can see what they want to manifest. You know, if you believe in that kind of thing.
A bunch of mamas on my messageboard were doing it, and I decided to give it a try. It made a lot of sense to me -I usually get a burst of inspiration around this time of year, and I loved the idea of putting together a piece of art that helped me visualize all those plans and ideas.
It turned out awesome! I put it together using nine pieces of 12x12 scrapbooking cardstock (many people design the map using the 9 feng shui baguas as a template, and I went with that). Here 's the result!
And here are detail shots of each square:
1. Wealth/Prosperity/Abundance
2. Fame/Reputation (aka "What do you want to be known for?")
3. Love/Marriage/Relationships
(Sorry this and the following ones are sideways...I don't know how to change them without going into iPhoto...and I'm boycotting iPhoto because it hates me)
4. Health/Family
5. My Centre/Ground/Home
6. Creativity/Play/Children
7. Knowledge/Self-exploration (Things I want to learn/meditation)
8. Career (not just "how I want to make money," but also unpaid activities: "What do I want to do?")
9. Travel/Angels/Helpful people (places I want to go, people/guides who will help me)
So there you have it! Sorry again about the sideways-ness, but I think you still get a pretty good idea of the whole thing.
I'm hoping to update weekly, possibly with reports re: my Joy Rebel Army assignments. This was actually last week's, so stay tuned for this week's VERY soon (maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow)
So, this past Thursday-through-Sunday was the Aries new moon. For those of you who are not astrologically-minded, that's the first 3.5 days of the zodiacal new year. Aries is the first sign, and the new moon is a time of envisioning what you want to manifest during the coming year. Because Aries has to do with vision and sight, lots of people make a collage, or treasure map, so they can see what they want to manifest. You know, if you believe in that kind of thing.
A bunch of mamas on my messageboard were doing it, and I decided to give it a try. It made a lot of sense to me -I usually get a burst of inspiration around this time of year, and I loved the idea of putting together a piece of art that helped me visualize all those plans and ideas.
It turned out awesome! I put it together using nine pieces of 12x12 scrapbooking cardstock (many people design the map using the 9 feng shui baguas as a template, and I went with that). Here 's the result!
And here are detail shots of each square:
1. Wealth/Prosperity/Abundance
2. Fame/Reputation (aka "What do you want to be known for?")
3. Love/Marriage/Relationships
(Sorry this and the following ones are sideways...I don't know how to change them without going into iPhoto...and I'm boycotting iPhoto because it hates me)
4. Health/Family
5. My Centre/Ground/Home
6. Creativity/Play/Children
7. Knowledge/Self-exploration (Things I want to learn/meditation)
8. Career (not just "how I want to make money," but also unpaid activities: "What do I want to do?")
9. Travel/Angels/Helpful people (places I want to go, people/guides who will help me)
So there you have it! Sorry again about the sideways-ness, but I think you still get a pretty good idea of the whole thing.
I'm hoping to update weekly, possibly with reports re: my Joy Rebel Army assignments. This was actually last week's, so stay tuned for this week's VERY soon (maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow)
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