Why I'm seriously considering only having one child...

...hehe...that title sounds like this is going to be a rant about how horrible my baby is or something. Not so, I swear. And I'm not trying to slag people who currently have more than one baby either present, on the way, or in their future plans. But this has been on my mind a lot in the past week or two and I want to talk about it. No offense meant, honest.

Ever since I started imagining my family I always assumed I would have two kids. I would have a girl first and then a boy, just like my mom and dad did. Of course, fate threw a wrench in that plan when I my firstborn turned out to be a boy. Anyway, I rolled with the punches and everything's great.

...or it was on the surface anyway...

...the problem I've been having really ever since Little Bear was born (on and off) I've recently termed Hypothetical Second Child Syndrome. It goes something like this...when your kid is cranky/sick/not sleeping you start thinking "Oh God...what's this going to be like when #2 is doing this and I have to deal with this one too?" And when your kid is beaming at you and you can't possibly imagine life getting better you think "Oh God...#2 is going to be a nightmare child to make up for this amazing angel." And what happens if you're me -and I am- is that eventually this pattern becomes so ingrained in your psyche that one day (say 8 months into your firstborn's life) you suddenly realize that you've spent a good portion of his life worrying about his hypothetical siblings instead of enjoying HIM!

This doesn't sit well with me. I don't want to do this anymore . I don't want to feel (however inaccurately) that we're in some kind of limbo where we're waiting to be a complete family and it won't happen until I go through another 10 months of hell...I mean pregnancy. Again please note that I am expressing the bizarre and twisted inner workings of MY brain and not making comments about those of you who have/are growing/are planning #2 (you brave, brave souls).

My mom is definitely one of those "only children are cursed/spoiled/doomed" people, so only having one kid really never occurred to me. And I swear this isn't just because I see moms of several at playgroup (oy vey) or read about how freaking hard it is with a baby and a toddler on my messageboards (although that helps). And I know that I may change my mind...or fate may change it for me later on...it's not like I'm going to go out and get my tubes tied tomorrow or anything. But I have been thinking about it...and reading about it...and I am admitting right now that having an only child doesn't seem like such a bad racket.

I could run through all the myths about only children and present evidence that invalidates them...but I won't. That's not my point. I'm not out to prove that One Is Better and Two Or More Is Bad (because I don't believe any such thing). What I want to talk about is what the mere idea of having only one and that being OK has done for me...and why that's making me seriously consider stopping the reproductive presses right now.

Since I came to this realization (that I don't HAVE to have another) everything has felt...easier...lighter...less charged with future worry. When Xander has a bad night I still suffer, but I no longer go "oh God, how am I going to handle this when I'm pregnant/when we have #2?" When we have good days I feel like I'm appreciating him more than ever before. I don't think about how crappy the future is going to be and how much harder my life will be in a year or two. When I wake up and all three of us are tucked into bed I feel like we're a complete family instead of something incomplete like a wagon missing a wheel (I feel like a tricycle instead....tricycles are fun!). I look forward to family trips later on without dread. I think about a home without fighting siblings or rivalries (I know they say "siblings are built in friends"...but really? try being a girl and having a younger brother). It feels pretty great to me.

I'm still doing my research about this, and like I said, I'm keeping an open mind for the future. And if I got pregnant by accident tomorrow I wouldn't have an abortion or anything (I would probably cry a lot though). Maybe I'll be like my mom and in 3 years I'll go "OK, I want a baby." But right now? I'm good. We're good. I don't feel the need to do this again. I never thought I'd say that.

OK, I've said what's on my mind. I know it's a bit different from recent posts, but my brain is a deep and sometimes scary place...you never know what's lurking in its depths.

Carry on.